It's Okay Not to be Perfect

If you couldn't tell already, I try to be as authentic as possible in my writing. I usually write every post in one sitting, let my thoughts just flow, and make only minor edits. The whole thing is a cathartic release for me-- exposing personal thoughts to the internet world, and more importantly, helping others realize they are not alone. Remember that you are not the only one who gets confused, struggles with relationships, and wishes they were a better person. Sometimes it seems like everyone else has everything together but you. Not true. Believe me. 

Today is my last day of fall break; time to head back to college life. And let me be 100% honest here (because I don't think I will be with my parents or classmates), I did not enjoy fall break. This is due to various reasons. Firstly, every break I am at home and not on vacation, I experience an internal conundrum. To watch TV and movies (aka do nothing of importance) or study and self improve in some way? I always plan the latter, but end up doing the former...and this break was no different. I had a lot of work I wanted to finish over break, and of course I have not gotten it all done. My inadequacy in self discipline has been wrecking my confidence. I'm a college student at a so-called "prestigious" university, yet I still can't manage my time and prevent procrastination? How am I going to achieve all my goals? How am I going to get into med-school, let alone make a difference in the world?

And secondly, my idea of being back home was too idealistic. I was excited to spend time with my parents, meet up with friends, eat home-cooked meals, read a good book, sleep in my own bed...
I forgot the reality of my family life. The way my parents, though loving and giving, can make me feel suffocated. The fact that the two of them have a deteriorating relationship, inevitably affecting my mood for the worse. I forgot that being home for fall break meant staying inside my house alone, with minimal social contact. And I forgot about my anti-social, hermit tendencies, causing me to neglect visiting high school friends.

All of this "crap" accumulated into a feeling of inadequacy.  Even now with extra freedom, I had not concocted a life I was satisfied with. I thought about everything that can be improved- my family life, social life, self discipline, academics, extracurriculars, community involvement, and the list goes on.

We can be so mean to ourselves, so hard on ourselves. Whether it's not feeling pretty enough, cool enough, charismatic enough, smart enough, we sometimes feel like we are not enough. Which is not true at all. Don't work toward perfection. My parents used to always tell me as a kid that I was perfect. And I got it in my head that I could actually be some form of "perfect" if I worked on myself enough. News flash: perfect is impossible.

So please, don't feel like you have to be a certain type of person or have a specific life to be happy. Happiness is an unconditional part of our existence that everyone deserves. Don't wreck yourself over mistakes, failures, or procrastination. Sometimes, we need to take a deep breath and realize that it's okay to relax, "do nothing", and have an extra cookie . It's easy to be swept away by this fast paced world we live in, to be tense and stress about every little thing wrong in our lives. But it's even more important to accept all of you and the less than ideal decisions that you make. It's important to strive for improvement, yet still be wholeheartedly satisfied with your life right now.

So embrace your amazing, brilliant, spontaneous, imperfect self. Embrace your embarrassing, awkward, lazy, cowardly decisions. Embrace all of you- the whole you- because you are enough as you are.

Feeling alone

The weight of her book bag pulls on her shoulders as she hugs her textbook, smiles politely at familiar faces, and sits in a vacant desk. Conversations, laughter, and pauses meld into a cacophony of noise that floats, gravitates away into a phantom of what it used to be. The headphones only partially block the noise, and for those few moments, she is the quiet observer- disconnected from all that is around her with soulful music as her comforting blanket. Something gnaws inside her, a vacant pit full of unwanted thoughts that imprison her whole being. She feels alone in this room full of people, this world full of everything, this universe of  empty spaces and entities billion times her size.

It's funny how with all this social media that makes communication easier, we still manage to feel so damn lonely. Maybe in a twisted way, social media causes us to be even lonelier than ever because we don't attempt to have face to face interaction as much, thinking that a facebook chat or text or skype is enough. But they're not. Deep down, we're still humans who desire that intimate connection only obtained from touching, looking into their eyes, and hearing their voice vibrate from their vocal cords. We still need to dispel our energy and soak in someone else's.

I've recently been really disappointed in two of those closest to me and that has resulted in me feeling incredibly lonely. I thirst for an intimate, heart to heart conversation where I can just spill everything that has been gnawing at my soul before it all explodes and gain some kind of closure in the process, but it has not happened. For a couple of reasons (some entirely my fault), this has been the worst Thanksgiving break for me to date and I've learned a couple of things in the process.

You have to first know what or who you want, and then do all that you can to obtain it. Rejection is a horrible feeling but regret is an even worse one. Knowing that there were so many things you could have done, and now not knowing if there even was anything in the first place will eat at you like no other.
You are responsible for your happiness. Yes there will always be toxic people but you can't let them control your perspective on life. If you want more friends, more interactions, then set up a study date or shopping trip. Trust me it's not a waste of time because the annoyed, depressed version of you will be far from productive.
And lastly, bad times will pass. They always do. I'm a firm believer that the things that hurt us will benefit us in the long run through the lessons learned. They make us tougher, emotionally matured, and we'll learn to appreciate the positive people, feelings, and experiences that much more.
It's Thanksgiving, a reminder to be grateful for what we do have. So let's all be grateful that we have family, a roof over our heads, ample food everyday, and a life we can say is ours for the making.

Embrace the Awkward Silence

Crushes can turn the best of us into little furballs that cannot enunciate words, crash into poles, trip on calm air, and utter complete nonsense. With that crush, our heartbeat quickens and we feel judged by everything we do and say, so tense silences and embarrassing mishaps are bound to happen. During a recent conversation with a guy that I'm starting to really like, there was an abundance of teeth-wrenching silence and feeble attempts to say something- it made me wonder whether we were just incompatible or simply unable to break that tension. Although such a decision of incompatibility or mere tension depends on the relationship, I've noticed that most awkward silences are due to the accumulation of feelings that two people are too scared to acknowledge openly. Amongst the thick air, unspoken words linger, and without the small talk and laughter to hide in, we feel exposed. Vulnerable.  As if everything that we were feeling or wishing for is being tested. It's hard to show off that banging personality when there's a ruckus of confusion going on inside you.

Awkward silences are bound to happen between two people who have feelings for each other, and the more you feel, the more awkward it can get. Embrace that lovely thick air of crickets chirping because the silence is caused by two people, so he's probably feeling the same. Of course to move the relationship into something more, one of you needs to find some guts and break the ice, but that will get easier once you're more comfortable around each other.

It's all right to feel awkward, fidgety and plain foolish with that special someone.  Don't run away from the tension and instead embrace it. That's romance and love for ya.

Untie those Knots.

Do you ever get that knot in your stomach that won't go away? It eats at you, but you can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong. Maybe nothing is and you're simply scared about all that could go bad. Maybe everything is wrong and you're just feeling all around crappy. Or maybe you're invested in a fantasy that may never happen. Either way, that knot sucks. Its a ball of stress and anxiety that keeps you from being productive. Hence why I'm here typing this blog instead of doing math homework....
My knots are study habit issues. That and a mixture of awaiting for college decisions and being a huge wimp in certain areas of my life (*cough*cough). We all have "knots" in our lives, and many times they hold us back. I am held back by my procrastination, stress, and desires that just ain't happening, and I am sure you guys are being held back by certain factors as well. Some of these factors are out of our control, while others we can change. So let's change what we can and hope for the best. Let's improve ourselves so that "bad feeling" stops eating at our soul. There's enough injustice and violence that goes on all around us, we don't need another war inside ourselves. So untie those knots and feel damn good about yourself in the process.

You Deserve Happiness.

If you want something, tell me, what is stopping you from obtaining it. Insecurities? Past failures? Fear? We all have them, these lurking excuses that we tell ourselves make us unworthy of what we truly want. But starting today, right now, at this very moment you read these words, forget those excuses. You deserve all the happiness in the world so do not doubt your abilities. Success in school or work is compatible with a wonderful love life. Whatever it is that you want- that guy, that social life, that dream job or college, is in your control. Of course there are always other factors involved such as chance, luck, or sheer incompatibility. But do not forget the percent that you can change. For instance, if you want this guy to like you, you cannot just sit in the background hoping he'll notice you. Instead, woman up and strike up a conversation. If you want that good test grade, study, study, and study again. If you want to be more successful, work for it and in time, you will reek the benefits.

Stop letting your regrets define you. There is so much to life that we cannot experience if we hold on to the past, or worse- impossible wishes. We can control our happiness through our mindset and actions. Never forget that.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all". Oliver Wilde

Do you live or exist? It's your choice.

InkSister

He loves me, he loves me not.

A girl always swoons over the guy holding doors for her, and the one who gives flowers just because they reminded him of her. She thinks such romantic actions signify his affection for her and thus falls madly in love: lost in a lustful daydream filled with future wedding plans, life together....
Reality. Check. Now.

Girls, do not be fooled by a romantic guy who flourishes you with compliments, flowers, and chocolates. These "cute" acts of love are worthless if they are all he does. Flowers die in two days, chocolates are bad for the teeth, and we are capable of holding our own doors. 

So look beyond these frivolous actions when evaluating a guy's affection and instead focus on his ability to work hard, make sacrifices, and compromise. A guy who really loves you will take 5 hours out of his day to drive you to the airport, alter his schedule just to see you again, and change his bad habits to win your heart. He'll actually make your life a little easier by washing the dishes, cooking, cleaning around the house. A man who's worth your time will know the importance that commitment and effort has in a strong relationship. The other sweet nit bits are icing on the cake, not the cake itself. So do not become so mesmerized in the little, momentary actions that warm our romantic hearts, and remember that a man's true character lies beyond sending a bouquet of roses.

Peace, love, baby ducks,

-InkSister 

"Not Pretty Enough"

Insecurities happen to the best of us. But do not ever let your insecurities dictate your life. Do not ever think you are not good enough for someone.

Insecurities come in many kinds, but today, I'm focusing on beauty because my own physical insecurities inspired me to write about this. Many times, I see a good looking guy and think "Geez his eyelashes are four times longer than mine, his eyebrows are on point, his face structure....He's prettier than I am.... he'll never fall for a plain faced me".

Girl, don't you ever think like that. First of all, you're already limiting the way you are perceived by being less confident. Second of all, every guy has a different taste. A girl one guy thinks is hideous will be beautiful to the next. And third of all, the most important point: your personality will outweigh your looks in the long run. It's undeniable that guys are visually stimulated, we all know and hate that (unless of course, you're banging gorgeous). But everyone, even the immature boogers, will eventually love the gal whose personality shines through. Making him lust for you only requires some makeup and cute clothing. But enticing a guy's heart to the point where he falls madly in love with you -- that takes someone who is beautiful on the inside. 

So don't get so caught up in your physical traits, and instead work on being the best person you can be. There's no such thing as "not pretty enough".

Mannequin

A shadow in the headlight. A presence you barely know. But somehow his aura entices, invites, and strangles until you only have a blazing fire left. And you only have the two phrases, or looks, or imagination to fuel that fragile flame. But it is a flame nonetheless, and you keep it tucked inside the depths of your heart. So is the way of meaningless lust and far fetched fantasies that confiscate our being. Maybe it was his eyes, or his shoulders. Maybe it was the way he walked, or how he looked at you as if you were a somebody. 

So run. Run away from the shadow. Do not let the fire consume your entity, do not get burned before you even feel the warmth. Do not let the sparks confuse you. They are only lost bits of the fire, not awakened stars. 

And you, you are only the fleeting bluejay that once passed his path. 

A presence he never knew.