One reckless decision can cause a chain of unwanted events and emotions. Never have I felt the truth of that statement until now. Due to a spur of the moment decision intended to liberate me, I am currently stuck in a mud of regret, entrapped by that spontaneous act of stupidity. See, I thought "taking charge" would make me feel in control of my future and stop the knots in my stomach from growing every time I talked to him. Boy was I wrong.
Instead of solving anything, I have officially created a new problem for myself. Granted, my best friend and I have agreed that in a year or two, we'll look back at "my situation" and laugh. But right now, living in this moment, I feel torn between what I have created for myself and what I actually want. The song Clementine by Sarah Jaffe reflects my sentiments perfectly.
"50 states, 50 lines, 50 cryings all the time, 50 boys, 50 lies, 50 I'm gonna change my mind, I changed my mind, I changed my mind, and now I feel undefined".
My realization? Being spontaneous is incredibly dangerous. As teenagers, young adults, whatever people call us nowadays, we are known to be reckless and spontaneous. We don't tend to plan ahead or assess every dimension of a situation, and instead go with where our hormones take us. It's the beauty of being young and carefree. But the beauty can come with a price. We make mistakes, suffer from the regret, and struggle to find the unbroken pieces. On the upside, we learn to never make the same mistakes and experience self-growth. Today, I am sharing what I have learned.
I have learned to never deny myself what I really want. To never believe in the "impossible". I have learned that relationships are a give and take, and sometimes you need to give a little more instead of always taking. I have learned that stoic expressions and pretending not to care never work. That to grant myself happiness means expressing my feelings in a way he'll understand. I have learned that weak does not mean being a victim of unreciprocated love. Weak is the fear of showing your love in the first place. And lastly, I've learned that no matter how insignificant the "fling", "talking stage", or "lack thereof" seems to others, it was significant to you. You might not have been exclusive or even dated, but the raw feelings are still there. And it's okay to not feel okay. Let yourself mourn over it. Cry, eat some chocolate, binge watch netflix. Having strong feelings is normal, and shows that you're human and capable of loving.
Final word of advice: don't drown yourself in the regret. We all do it, but it's not healthy or productive. Sometimes, we just have to let go and let time work its magic. Our stories are not fairytales or hollywood chick fliques. We will fall down and down again, get bruised up inside and out.
Through it all, remember that you are strong and capable, whether or not anyone else notices. Remember to stand back up, fight for your place, and declare, "You will never break me".