Power of hope

Hope is a powerful thing. It amazes me how we cling on to the seemingly "impossible", the 1% chance, that one in a million. No matter how bleak anything seems, we continue to hope, to fight for it. In Grendel, the protagonist Grendel is angered by how humans sung songs of hope and preserverance despite having their village destroyed by him. There's something beautiful and unique about our ability to hope. It gives us life, a sense of purpose in spite of every obstacle that is in our way.
Life is not one bit easy. We'll crash and burn, fall flat on our face. Failing is a horrible feeling, and sometimes things work out eventually, sometimes they don't. Right now, as I am writing a gazillion more essays for regular decision colleges, I am terrified of failing again. And again. At the same time though, my past disappointment is driving me to improve. To write some damn beautiful essays. Besides, I should be grateful for the opportunity to attend college, the many options that I have at my feet.
This post has become a complete ramble because I'm thinking about a lot of things. There's a whirl of doubt, mixed with desire, hope, dreams, and annoyance that I have slacked on other activities that make me happy, such as music and running.
I want this college thing to work out so badly, and at this point, no I am not content with how it's playing out. And I want this love thing to work out, but who knows how this whole hot and cold mess will end. Most likely bittersweet. But then again, having desires is not bad because it just means we care. I care about my future, about all of my hard work paying off, and I care about this person, perhaps too much,  though I try not to admit it even to myself. Sometimes caring means we'll get hurt. But caring is the only way we'll achieve something greater in life. Don't be afraid to care, I've been there and it's suffocating. Instead remember that disappointments, heartbreak, whatever else you call it, will be a test of your strength and determination.
So defy those odds, go reach your dreams, and be that one in a million.

The agony of waiting

We have all had to test our patience at one point or another. And it sucks, doing nothing and feeling time ooze away second by second. The more important the thing you wait for is to you, the worst waiting will be because in this period of nothingness you can't help but go crazy.

Like most of my fellow high school seniors out there, I am currently waiting for a college decision for a school that I applied early to. Getting in would be a dream come true and I am positive that for at least a week after the acceptance, I will feel like the luckiest gal in the world. I have my post-acceptance plan all thought out out in my never-ending stream of fantasies and imagination: dance like a goof with my mother to "I'm sexy and I know it", go out to eat at one of those outdoor patio tables with my parents, and lounge around the house in my newly bought cozy onesie just to indulge in the euphoria.

 But as of right now, we shall wait, counting the days and hours (apparently it's less than 100 hrs) until decision day and agonizing over every weakness in our application. It's funny how while still in the process of the whole application ordeal, I looked forward to the waiting process because at least now, there's absolutely no more work. Boy was I wrong. Releasing all control to the almighty admission officers simply makes you feel powerless. Anxious. Insecure.  Now here I am, checking my application portal everyday fruitlessly for it remains stagnant, and taking part in the abundance of new posts on the college confidential forum filled with other anxious applicants. 

I don't believe everything happens for a reason because sometimes events simply happen out of mere chance, and there's nothing we could have done about it. However, I am a fervent believer that anything that happens to you will mold you and the way in which it does so depends on how you utilize the change. Instead of feeling nervous, we should feel excited. This, right now, is a turning point-- a pitch fork in the road that marks the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

Waiting sucks but changing your mindset can do wonders for those damn butterflies and doubt. There's so much of life to enjoy if we can walk this earth with a passion for reaching our dreams and a love for the journey that get's us there.