Thursday, November 26, 2015

Falling too early

I have a problem with falling for guys too early.  Before I have had a full conversation with him, learned his favorite color, music tastes, food aversions, I am imagining him as a boyfriend, or worse, a husband. Such extremity in feelings is dangerous for the weak hearts. It causes us to feel too much for a shadow, and cry in excess over the end of nothing. The reason for this tendency is not low standards. I would consider myself to have rather high standards in romantic relationships- not just in the guy himself but also in his mutual affection for me. I think the cause is over-imagination. A projection of my woeful thinking onto him. Upon one glance into his intelligent eyes, I am conjuring up my own impression of this person, my caricature of him, my story. And it has nothing to do with him, really (besides that he's a great catch). It all stems from my subconscious desire to love. 

I try to deny it. No one wants to admit dissatisfaction. No one dares to admit a foolish craving. No one wants to want something so untamed. 

Some days are better than others. I usually block it out with other goals- remind myself of what's important: friends, family, school work, self-improvement. I try to make myself feel worthy of love by being the best version of me. And I remind myself that love comes when you least expect it, so I should stop being so damn expectant.
Other days, I indulge in the thirst, and soak in the artificial feelings of love created by music. Today was of the former. I couldn't help but glance everywhere for "him". But instead of wasting my time on youtube advice videos and sappy music, I decided to write this post. I would not dare share these thoughts with many people; and I think few have shared them with me. We all strive for an aura of "having our shit together", but really none of us do, or ever will.

We all wish we were not so vulnerable.

It's okay not to feel content. Like Billy Joel said, "Only fools are satisfied". But do not let negative thoughts consume you. It is important to be truly grateful for what we have, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day. I am grateful for the opportunities on my campus, the beautiful autumn leaves, my lovely roommates, my ever-supportive parents.

Remember to appreciate the important people who are already in your life. Wasting energy on a guy we barely know not only undermines your value, but also that of those who really care about you.
When you start falling too soon, remind yourself that he is not the solution to your problems. The loneliness stems from a deeper problem, often a lack of passion and personal satisfaction in your life. While you're pinpointing the root-cause, remember to take a moment and just appreciate where you are right now. Smell the fresh air, the wind in your hair, the sun warming your skin, and start loving it all.
Start falling for life.

Friday, November 6, 2015

It's Okay Not to be Perfect

If you couldn't tell already, I try to be as authentic as possible in my writing. I usually write every post in one sitting, let my thoughts just flow, and make only minor edits. The whole thing is a cathartic release for me-- exposing personal thoughts to the internet world, and more importantly, helping others realize they are not alone. Remember that you are not the only one who gets confused, struggles with relationships, and wishes they were a better person. Sometimes it seems like everyone else has everything together but you. Not true. Believe me. 

Today is my last day of fall break; time to head back to college life. And let me be 100% honest here (because I don't think I will be with my parents or classmates), I did not enjoy fall break. This is due to various reasons. Firstly, every break I am at home and not on vacation, I experience an internal conundrum. To watch TV and movies (aka do nothing of importance) or study and self improve in some way? I always plan the latter, but end up doing the former...and this break was no different. I had a lot of work I wanted to finish over break, and of course I have not gotten it all done. My inadequacy in self discipline has been wrecking my confidence. I'm a college student at a so-called "prestigious" university, yet I still can't manage my time and prevent procrastination? How am I going to achieve all my goals? How am I going to get into med-school, let alone make a difference in the world?

And secondly, my idea of being back home was too idealistic. I was excited to spend time with my parents, meet up with friends, eat home-cooked meals, read a good book, sleep in my own bed...
I forgot the reality of my family life. The way my parents, though loving and giving, can make me feel suffocated. The fact that the two of them have a deteriorating relationship, inevitably affecting my mood for the worse. I forgot that being home for fall break meant staying inside my house alone, with minimal social contact. And I forgot about my anti-social, hermit tendencies, causing me to neglect visiting high school friends.

All of this "crap" accumulated into a feeling of inadequacy.  Even now with extra freedom, I had not concocted a life I was satisfied with. I thought about everything that can be improved- my family life, social life, self discipline, academics, extracurriculars, community involvement, and the list goes on.

We can be so mean to ourselves, so hard on ourselves. Whether it's not feeling pretty enough, cool enough, charismatic enough, smart enough, we sometimes feel like we are not enough. Which is not true at all. Don't work toward perfection. My parents used to always tell me as a kid that I was perfect. And I got it in my head that I could actually be some form of "perfect" if I worked on myself enough. News flash: perfect is impossible.

So please, don't feel like you have to be a certain type of person or have a specific life to be happy. Happiness is an unconditional part of our existence that everyone deserves. Don't wreck yourself over mistakes, failures, or procrastination. Sometimes, we need to take a deep breath and realize that it's okay to relax, "do nothing", and have an extra cookie . It's easy to be swept away by this fast paced world we live in, to be tense and stress about every little thing wrong in our lives. But it's even more important to accept all of you and the less than ideal decisions that you make. It's important to strive for improvement, yet still be wholeheartedly satisfied with your life right now.

So embrace your amazing, brilliant, spontaneous, imperfect self. Embrace your embarrassing, awkward, lazy, cowardly decisions. Embrace all of you- the whole you- because you are enough as you are.