Feeling alone

The weight of her book bag pulls on her shoulders as she hugs her textbook, smiles politely at familiar faces, and sits in a vacant desk. Conversations, laughter, and pauses meld into a cacophony of noise that floats, gravitates away into a phantom of what it used to be. The headphones only partially block the noise, and for those few moments, she is the quiet observer- disconnected from all that is around her with soulful music as her comforting blanket. Something gnaws inside her, a vacant pit full of unwanted thoughts that imprison her whole being. She feels alone in this room full of people, this world full of everything, this universe of  empty spaces and entities billion times her size.

It's funny how with all this social media that makes communication easier, we still manage to feel so damn lonely. Maybe in a twisted way, social media causes us to be even lonelier than ever because we don't attempt to have face to face interaction as much, thinking that a facebook chat or text or skype is enough. But they're not. Deep down, we're still humans who desire that intimate connection only obtained from touching, looking into their eyes, and hearing their voice vibrate from their vocal cords. We still need to dispel our energy and soak in someone else's.

I've recently been really disappointed in two of those closest to me and that has resulted in me feeling incredibly lonely. I thirst for an intimate, heart to heart conversation where I can just spill everything that has been gnawing at my soul before it all explodes and gain some kind of closure in the process, but it has not happened. For a couple of reasons (some entirely my fault), this has been the worst Thanksgiving break for me to date and I've learned a couple of things in the process.

You have to first know what or who you want, and then do all that you can to obtain it. Rejection is a horrible feeling but regret is an even worse one. Knowing that there were so many things you could have done, and now not knowing if there even was anything in the first place will eat at you like no other.
You are responsible for your happiness. Yes there will always be toxic people but you can't let them control your perspective on life. If you want more friends, more interactions, then set up a study date or shopping trip. Trust me it's not a waste of time because the annoyed, depressed version of you will be far from productive.
And lastly, bad times will pass. They always do. I'm a firm believer that the things that hurt us will benefit us in the long run through the lessons learned. They make us tougher, emotionally matured, and we'll learn to appreciate the positive people, feelings, and experiences that much more.
It's Thanksgiving, a reminder to be grateful for what we do have. So let's all be grateful that we have family, a roof over our heads, ample food everyday, and a life we can say is ours for the making.

A Messy Concoction of Doom

Socks sprawled on the floor. Concealer marks on the dresser. Sweaters and tights from the past school week cling weakly to the chair like an unfinished paper mache....My bedroom has once again turned into a mess, and I, feeling proactive this morning, once again rearrange the misplaced pieces and scrub away the leftover stains.

I have come to the realization that I live my life much like the way I keep my bedroom, lazily allowing messes to be made and then cleaning them up weeks later. Carelessness and nonchalance are a dangerous combination. Sometimes, just as the stains cannot rub off completely, we cannot wholly correct our mistakes. The damage has been made and all we can do is watch it plague our lives.
Prevention is the best remedy that we have at our finger tips. Instead of letting the mess of our past dictate our future, we need to prevent a mess from occurring in the first place.

Doing nothing is really more detrimental than doing something wrong because in the latter, you at least did something. There are risks we need to take in order to gain something more from the world. Don't let the lazy beast inside you dictate your life until you suddenly reawaken from the daze and notice the crumbling ruins. Don't be the one who looks back on the past few years and realize that you let opportunities, experiences, and people slip through your fingers all too easily.

Though there are actions we can take to alleviate certain problems, many things in this world are out of our power to control, We cannot completely stop the daily bloodshed from destroying innocent lives or the pollutants from choking our planet. You cannot read his mind, or make that never-to-be guy love you. YOU are the only thing that you have complete control over. Everything else, everyone else, is a give or take battle.
It's time we take charge of our life instead of allowing it to trample over our cowering heads. These changes don't occur overnight, and granted my room has become more cluttered already, but at least there's brownie points for trying.

Loosened grips.

We would rather love than to not have loved at all, to try and fail than to do nothing. Why? Because regret sucks. It eats us alive as we replay the memories and wonder what could have been if only we had actually done something. If we had fought for it.

I like to consider myself a fighter, someone who is willing to work for what she wants, but recently, I have been anything but that. Instead, I'm in a turmoil of unspoken words, rigidly composed faces, sappy music binges, and fantasies that just never quite play out. Throughout this, there's a voice in my head reminding myself that guys are idiots, that he's an idiot, and that I should focus on what's important, which is focusing on my goals, getting into a college far away, and leaving the fermenting remains of my past behind.

But I am tired of running away from my failures instead of confronting them. I am tired of hiding behind these books, this forced smile, this persona of a perfectly content, strong girl, while feeling anything but okay inside.
I cringe to admit this because for some reason it makes me feel weak, less independent and plain immature, but going on a date and given flowers sounds amazing at the moment. Instead, I am at home in a gray hoodie with my hair in a sloppy bun, scouring youtube, writing this blog, and doing anything but what I desire (a movie date) or should do (homework...).

To feel love, we need to learn to love. Romance novels and chick flicks lead us to believe that one day, we'll be wooed by "the one" who is head over heals for us since day one, and fail to reflect the multidimensional aspects of romance. Love, just like everything else in the world, is not handed to us in a neat little package-- it's something we earn. Love is a connection between two people, who both contribute to arranging the pieces and creating a beautiful masterpiece.
If we want them to fight for us, we need to be willing to fight for them.

Change can be good.

After reading my past posts, I've realized 1) though this whole endeavor started as a beauty blog, I have not written a stitch of makeup/skincare related post in months, and 2) most of my other posts are me giving advice about one specific topic. There's no "me" in any of the posts, and that bothers me. I didn't intend for this blog to be simply full of advice on topics that I have not experienced or reviews on makeup that I lack the skill to use well. Truthfully, I did not know what exactly I intended to write on this blog because there were too many ideas running in my crazy, outlandish mind: makeup for fellow monolids, fitness sharing, health, skin, love, and the list goes on. There were even times I considered posting some of my never-before-shared poems. The end result of my desire to share everything resulted in me sharing nothing. 

I think it's partly because I'm not used to sharing my life on any kind of social media. I barely post on facebook and instagram, and have not checked my snapchat in months. It felt uncomfortable adding even a tid-bit of myself in my posts because I felt self-centered by doing so. Who am I, talking about my troubles and confusion? Who would even care? Besides, my own personal problems were personal, why share them to the world? I've been so used to having a safe, private bubble that opening up on this blog was hard. So I steered away from it.

With that being said, I'm all for stepping out of my comfort zone. Therefore, right now, this moment, I will step out of my shielded bubble of personal thoughts and feelings, and share a part of myself to the people of the internet...strangers. I'm seventeen, a senior in high school, so my experiences are limited, most from observations, and I've only had a taste of this world. But I have always believed that the journey is more important than the end result because there is so much to gain on a personal and social level from the ups, downs, and plateaus. So as my journey begins, I will share bits of it in carefully molded words and phrases.
It is time for a change, a good kind of change.

Embrace the Awkward Silence

Crushes can turn the best of us into little furballs that cannot enunciate words, crash into poles, trip on calm air, and utter complete nonsense. With that crush, our heartbeat quickens and we feel judged by everything we do and say, so tense silences and embarrassing mishaps are bound to happen. During a recent conversation with a guy that I'm starting to really like, there was an abundance of teeth-wrenching silence and feeble attempts to say something- it made me wonder whether we were just incompatible or simply unable to break that tension. Although such a decision of incompatibility or mere tension depends on the relationship, I've noticed that most awkward silences are due to the accumulation of feelings that two people are too scared to acknowledge openly. Amongst the thick air, unspoken words linger, and without the small talk and laughter to hide in, we feel exposed. Vulnerable.  As if everything that we were feeling or wishing for is being tested. It's hard to show off that banging personality when there's a ruckus of confusion going on inside you.

Awkward silences are bound to happen between two people who have feelings for each other, and the more you feel, the more awkward it can get. Embrace that lovely thick air of crickets chirping because the silence is caused by two people, so he's probably feeling the same. Of course to move the relationship into something more, one of you needs to find some guts and break the ice, but that will get easier once you're more comfortable around each other.

It's all right to feel awkward, fidgety and plain foolish with that special someone.  Don't run away from the tension and instead embrace it. That's romance and love for ya.

Untie those Knots.

Do you ever get that knot in your stomach that won't go away? It eats at you, but you can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong. Maybe nothing is and you're simply scared about all that could go bad. Maybe everything is wrong and you're just feeling all around crappy. Or maybe you're invested in a fantasy that may never happen. Either way, that knot sucks. Its a ball of stress and anxiety that keeps you from being productive. Hence why I'm here typing this blog instead of doing math homework....
My knots are study habit issues. That and a mixture of awaiting for college decisions and being a huge wimp in certain areas of my life (*cough*cough). We all have "knots" in our lives, and many times they hold us back. I am held back by my procrastination, stress, and desires that just ain't happening, and I am sure you guys are being held back by certain factors as well. Some of these factors are out of our control, while others we can change. So let's change what we can and hope for the best. Let's improve ourselves so that "bad feeling" stops eating at our soul. There's enough injustice and violence that goes on all around us, we don't need another war inside ourselves. So untie those knots and feel damn good about yourself in the process.