Friday, November 21, 2014

Loosened grips.

We would rather love than to not have loved at all, to try and fail than to do nothing. Why? Because regret sucks. It eats us alive as we replay the memories and wonder what could have been if only we had actually done something. If we had fought for it.

I like to consider myself a fighter, someone who is willing to work for what she wants, but recently, I have been anything but that. Instead, I'm in a turmoil of unspoken words, rigidly composed faces, sappy music binges, and fantasies that just never quite play out. Throughout this, there's a voice in my head reminding myself that guys are idiots, that he's an idiot, and that I should focus on what's important, which is focusing on my goals, getting into a college far away, and leaving the fermenting remains of my past behind.

But I am tired of running away from my failures instead of confronting them. I am tired of hiding behind these books, this forced smile, this persona of a perfectly content, strong girl, while feeling anything but okay inside.
I cringe to admit this because for some reason it makes me feel weak, less independent and plain immature, but going on a date and given flowers sounds amazing at the moment. Instead, I am at home in a gray hoodie with my hair in a sloppy bun, scouring youtube, writing this blog, and doing anything but what I desire (a movie date) or should do (homework...).

To feel love, we need to learn to love. Romance novels and chick flicks lead us to believe that one day, we'll be wooed by "the one" who is head over heals for us since day one, and fail to reflect the multidimensional aspects of romance. Love, just like everything else in the world, is not handed to us in a neat little package-- it's something we earn. Love is a connection between two people, who both contribute to arranging the pieces and creating a beautiful masterpiece.
If we want them to fight for us, we need to be willing to fight for them.