Thursday, November 27, 2014

Feeling alone

The weight of her book bag pulls on her shoulders as she hugs her textbook, smiles politely at familiar faces, and sits in a vacant desk. Conversations, laughter, and pauses meld into a cacophony of noise that floats, gravitates away into a phantom of what it used to be. The headphones only partially block the noise, and for those few moments, she is the quiet observer- disconnected from all that is around her with soulful music as her comforting blanket. Something gnaws inside her, a vacant pit full of unwanted thoughts that imprison her whole being. She feels alone in this room full of people, this world full of everything, this universe of  empty spaces and entities billion times her size.

It's funny how with all this social media that makes communication easier, we still manage to feel so damn lonely. Maybe in a twisted way, social media causes us to be even lonelier than ever because we don't attempt to have face to face interaction as much, thinking that a facebook chat or text or skype is enough. But they're not. Deep down, we're still humans who desire that intimate connection only obtained from touching, looking into their eyes, and hearing their voice vibrate from their vocal cords. We still need to dispel our energy and soak in someone else's.

I've recently been really disappointed in two of those closest to me and that has resulted in me feeling incredibly lonely. I thirst for an intimate, heart to heart conversation where I can just spill everything that has been gnawing at my soul before it all explodes and gain some kind of closure in the process, but it has not happened. For a couple of reasons (some entirely my fault), this has been the worst Thanksgiving break for me to date and I've learned a couple of things in the process.

You have to first know what or who you want, and then do all that you can to obtain it. Rejection is a horrible feeling but regret is an even worse one. Knowing that there were so many things you could have done, and now not knowing if there even was anything in the first place will eat at you like no other.
You are responsible for your happiness. Yes there will always be toxic people but you can't let them control your perspective on life. If you want more friends, more interactions, then set up a study date or shopping trip. Trust me it's not a waste of time because the annoyed, depressed version of you will be far from productive.
And lastly, bad times will pass. They always do. I'm a firm believer that the things that hurt us will benefit us in the long run through the lessons learned. They make us tougher, emotionally matured, and we'll learn to appreciate the positive people, feelings, and experiences that much more.
It's Thanksgiving, a reminder to be grateful for what we do have. So let's all be grateful that we have family, a roof over our heads, ample food everyday, and a life we can say is ours for the making.