Monday, January 5, 2015

Just me.

I don't know how to start this blog post, and honestly I shouldn't even be writing anything because it's 8:30 and there's a pile of untouched work to be done. But as usual, I defy my priorities and instead feel a great need to write something from the heart per say.
I could easily write in my diary instead of typing a personal essay and posting it online, but for some reason I'm digging this method more. Maybe it's because the idea of an international network of thoughts and words is thrilling and I want to contribute. Or perhaps I simply feel like I'm using my time for "a greater cause" when I click publish. Either way, writing is cathartic and I could use all the mood boosters out there. So here it goes.

People say I am lucky to live in an idealic neighborhood, a house. To have parents still married. They say I am happy all the time, that I am smart, talented, pretty, perfect. But no one sees the girl that is awake in her bed worrying about everything that has or will go wrong. The girl who stares at her reflection, unable to see beauty, and everyday lines, shades, and buffs her face into one that she is satisfied with. The one who doesn't remember how to relax.
They don't see the anguish of having parents who have given up on each other. Or the way she never fights for the love she wants. How scared she is of losing someone.

People see the image that we portray. The one that we build like a wall to hide our insecurities and fears. I am exhausted trying to mask my imperfections and hide my unhappiness.
So tonight, I am keeping it all raw. Real.
Recently, I have been terrified of crushed dreams. Of disappointing others. I am terrified that my workaholic state will prevent me from enjoying the little things and that my life will be full of never ending disappointments. Simply put, today has not been a good day and everything seems to be crumbling.

But I like to end blogs on a positive note. Though crying is a great way to let emotions out, soaking in the misery is a waste of time and plain unhelpful. I have no idea what my intent for this blog was, but hey, not everything has to have a purpose. Sometimes, we just go with it, and see where we end up. Hopefully, it's a somewhere wonderful.