Falling too early

I have a problem with falling for guys too early.  Before I have had a full conversation with him, learned his favorite color, music tastes, food aversions, I am imagining him as a boyfriend, or worse, a husband. Such extremity in feelings is dangerous for the weak hearts. It causes us to feel too much for a shadow, and cry in excess over the end of nothing. The reason for this tendency is not low standards. I would consider myself to have rather high standards in romantic relationships- not just in the guy himself but also in his mutual affection for me. I think the cause is over-imagination. A projection of my woeful thinking onto him. Upon one glance into his intelligent eyes, I am conjuring up my own impression of this person, my caricature of him, my story. And it has nothing to do with him, really (besides that he's a great catch). It all stems from my subconscious desire to love. 

I try to deny it. No one wants to admit dissatisfaction. No one dares to admit a foolish craving. No one wants to want something so untamed. 

Some days are better than others. I usually block it out with other goals- remind myself of what's important: friends, family, school work, self-improvement. I try to make myself feel worthy of love by being the best version of me. And I remind myself that love comes when you least expect it, so I should stop being so damn expectant.
Other days, I indulge in the thirst, and soak in the artificial feelings of love created by music. Today was of the former. I couldn't help but glance everywhere for "him". But instead of wasting my time on youtube advice videos and sappy music, I decided to write this post. I would not dare share these thoughts with many people; and I think few have shared them with me. We all strive for an aura of "having our shit together", but really none of us do, or ever will.

We all wish we were not so vulnerable.

It's okay not to feel content. Like Billy Joel said, "Only fools are satisfied". But do not let negative thoughts consume you. It is important to be truly grateful for what we have, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day. I am grateful for the opportunities on my campus, the beautiful autumn leaves, my lovely roommates, my ever-supportive parents.

Remember to appreciate the important people who are already in your life. Wasting energy on a guy we barely know not only undermines your value, but also that of those who really care about you.

When you start falling too soon, remind yourself that he is not the solution to your problems. The loneliness stems from a deeper problem, often a lack of passion and personal satisfaction in your life. While you're pinpointing the root-cause, remember to take a moment and just appreciate where you are right now. Smell the fresh air, the wind in your hair, the sun warming your skin, and start loving it all.
Start falling for life.

It's Okay Not to be Perfect

If you couldn't tell already, I try to be as authentic as possible in my writing. I usually write every post in one sitting, let my thoughts just flow, and make only minor edits. The whole thing is a cathartic release for me-- exposing personal thoughts to the internet world, and more importantly, helping others realize they are not alone. Remember that you are not the only one who gets confused, struggles with relationships, and wishes they were a better person. Sometimes it seems like everyone else has everything together but you. Not true. Believe me. 

Today is my last day of fall break; time to head back to college life. And let me be 100% honest here (because I don't think I will be with my parents or classmates), I did not enjoy fall break. This is due to various reasons. Firstly, every break I am at home and not on vacation, I experience an internal conundrum. To watch TV and movies (aka do nothing of importance) or study and self improve in some way? I always plan the latter, but end up doing the former...and this break was no different. I had a lot of work I wanted to finish over break, and of course I have not gotten it all done. My inadequacy in self discipline has been wrecking my confidence. I'm a college student at a so-called "prestigious" university, yet I still can't manage my time and prevent procrastination? How am I going to achieve all my goals? How am I going to get into med-school, let alone make a difference in the world?

And secondly, my idea of being back home was too idealistic. I was excited to spend time with my parents, meet up with friends, eat home-cooked meals, read a good book, sleep in my own bed...
I forgot the reality of my family life. The way my parents, though loving and giving, can make me feel suffocated. The fact that the two of them have a deteriorating relationship, inevitably affecting my mood for the worse. I forgot that being home for fall break meant staying inside my house alone, with minimal social contact. And I forgot about my anti-social, hermit tendencies, causing me to neglect visiting high school friends.

All of this "crap" accumulated into a feeling of inadequacy.  Even now with extra freedom, I had not concocted a life I was satisfied with. I thought about everything that can be improved- my family life, social life, self discipline, academics, extracurriculars, community involvement, and the list goes on.

We can be so mean to ourselves, so hard on ourselves. Whether it's not feeling pretty enough, cool enough, charismatic enough, smart enough, we sometimes feel like we are not enough. Which is not true at all. Don't work toward perfection. My parents used to always tell me as a kid that I was perfect. And I got it in my head that I could actually be some form of "perfect" if I worked on myself enough. News flash: perfect is impossible.

So please, don't feel like you have to be a certain type of person or have a specific life to be happy. Happiness is an unconditional part of our existence that everyone deserves. Don't wreck yourself over mistakes, failures, or procrastination. Sometimes, we need to take a deep breath and realize that it's okay to relax, "do nothing", and have an extra cookie . It's easy to be swept away by this fast paced world we live in, to be tense and stress about every little thing wrong in our lives. But it's even more important to accept all of you and the less than ideal decisions that you make. It's important to strive for improvement, yet still be wholeheartedly satisfied with your life right now.

So embrace your amazing, brilliant, spontaneous, imperfect self. Embrace your embarrassing, awkward, lazy, cowardly decisions. Embrace all of you- the whole you- because you are enough as you are.

Impatient Wanderer

You sat next to me. Introduction. "What's you're name," I ask. And I don't remember it because I'm too busy trying to stay cool.
Small talk. I liked your eyes.
We listen to the first lecture of our class.
Your body turns toward me, and say something I don't hear, but I smile anyway. Don't want to break this connection.
You're reserved, a little closed off. I want to break the shell.

Days, weeks. We're still on small talk. About the class really.
I realize you're good at this stuff. I like the way you think.

Now, we don't sit next to each other in class.
Some times we barely acknowledge each other.
Well, you barely acknowledge me.
You're still reserved.
Stoic.
Yet am I slightly breaking your shell?
I can't tell.
And I'm impatient.
I don't want to wait another day. Another week. I should've gotten your number from the start.
We can study together.
Now I don't know how.
We'll get there.
Maybe.

Maybe you don't want anything to do with me.
Maybe it was all in my head.
Maybe I just like the challenge.

Either way, I'm an impatient wanderer, hoping for something to happen.
I want too much from nothing because I never know what something means.
I float from woeful wishes, faces I do not know, waiting for my heartbeat to relax. Slow down. It should just happen. It shouldn't be so hard.

Floating is fun anyway. You see different sights, colors, textures, tastes, and do not know where you'll anchor. But I'd like to know...I am impatient.  I am done waiting for the right sound, time, place, smile. I want it to happen now. I want to be warmed by his voice. To throw on his oversized jacket. I want to press my lips against his and experience a lapse of mind, time, space, feeling-- all coinciding into one, this one fragile movement, this one promise of togetherness in a single kiss.

These are the thoughts of an impatient wanderer.

Going with the flow

It's incredibly hard for me to "go with the flow". I'd consider it one of my biggest flaws. Coming to terms with the fact that there are certain things that I cannot control is difficult...it causes me a lot of stress. I think that's why I don't drink in college. I do not like losing control of myself, the one thing I have most, if not all, control over. Though mistakes can teach us, yadayada, I'd rather not make them while intoxicated.

So right now, I'm trying to strike a balance between "trying" and "going with the flow". One cannot be too lopsided; we all need a bit of each. As I embark on my first midterm tomorrow, I need to keep everything in perspective. One stupid test is not the whole of my existence. I have studied as much as I can, and I need to accept what will happen. There are beautiful occurrences that are happening all around us-- this fall weather, the crisp atmosphere, young love...just the fact that there are so many opportunities available should make us feel lucky. I am who I am no matter what happens academically. I'd love to find a special someone, for my skin to be better, to be an eloquent speaker, to feel incredibly confident 24/7, but some times it won't all happen at once. There will be peaks and valleys, and it's okay.

I need to accept the imperfections in myself and in my life. Things don't happen as planned. In fact, the best occurrences in life seem to be the spontaneous ones. Much of what I appreciate right now in my life were not what I had "planned out".  So to me, going with the flow means embracing what could happen instead of worrying about the uncertainty. It means being okay with ruined plans and surprises-- riding the waves  instead of pulling on the reins and suffocating the life out of everything.

Sometimes, we should take a step back and just appreciate what we have at this instance, not what "could be". We should live not in the past, or future, but in the present. Soak up everything around you- notice something you never did before. Appreciate the place you call home, your own unique story, the blank pages.

And, "The rest is still unwritten" -Natasha Bedingfield

Enjoy the beginnings

I love beginnings. They motivate me to work and inspire me to be better. The beginnings of a relationship (platonic or romantic) have similar effects- you want to show your best version, and more importantly, you are constantly learning. You're learning about the other person- their cadence, word usage, laugh, voice, ideas, habits...and you're learning about yourself- your slight awkwardness, nervousness, openness, closeness, sensitivity.

 Freshman year of college, everything is a beginning. I'm sleeping on a top bunk for the first time, living with roommates, meeting new people, developing new routines. It's been fresh, I've felt fresh, as if I could reinvent myself, start off new. After four weeks here, I've realized that it's impossible to "reinvent" yourself. You are not a whiteboard that can be erased then drawn on. Your life can't suddenly turn into a clean slate. There is no delete or rewind for those memories and experiences you'd rather do without. Instead, I like to think of myself as an etching. As one of those wood whittles. Everyday I'm whittling at myself to smooth out the edges, create new dimensions. Everyone's wood is different. Some are softer, others harder, some have been through snowstorms, others light sunny days. We have to work with our unique piece of wood. And we may never be satisfied with the result, but we should at least be content with the progress.

I have no idea how I just started making analogies with wood. It's too late for coherent thoughts. But you gotta admire the creativity of this exhausted brain. ;)  I like to think of these posts as unfiltered diary entries...just to let you know what you're getting yourself into.

Anyway, I was inspired to write this post that has gone off tangent by...dun dun dun...a boy. Of course. How typically college girly of me. We all love boy talks, at least my roomies and I do. I was thinking about this boy of interest, and how horribly hot and cold our interactions can be, and wishing that we'd just skip past this early stage and get to that couple stage. I wish we could know each other like the back of our hands and actually connect on a deeper level than just talking about history homework. And then, I checked myself. Why can I not just enjoy the sweet beginnings of this "whatever it could be". Why can I not soak in the fast heartbeat, agonizing worries of "he likes me, he likes me not". It's mainly the fear of the unknown. The not knowing. Not knowing what he's thinking. Not knowing what he thinks about me. Not knowing what will become of "us". Will we become anything, or will we simply float our own ways as if nothing ever happened? (like most of my boy stories).

That's why beginnings are so terrifying. And exhilarating. And wonderful. It's lovely having a fresh piece of wood that could become anything you want it to be. So don't be scared of the outcome. Just go for it, and carve.

Rejection is good for you

One of my number one goals for college is to get rejected.  You may be thinking "what an interesting goal" ... aka "this girl is an idiot" *cough*. But I'm being 100% serious so hear me out. Bear with me through this blog post in which I attempt to order my thoughts into semi-coherent passages.

I have never been socially rejected in my life. Not by girls, boys, crushes, or anyone in between. On a similar note, I've never directly experienced any drama. Some of my friends may have bickered, or experienced some kind of boy trouble, but I have always had a clean (nonexistent) record. I am the "nice one", sometimes dubbed "quiet", "perfect". I used to be proud of my angelic existence; I thought I was above the drama, stupid gossip, and boys. Instead of being an actress in the theater production, I floated above it as a silent observer. It was nice until it wasn't anymore. I realized that being in the play might mean a missed line, incorrect footing, embarrassment (things the observer would never have to deal with), but at the same time, as the observer I had no stories. My life was without a climax, without zest, without gains. It was a monotony of smiling, missed chances, and unspoken sentiments. 

I was never rejected because I was too afraid to try.  And that's not the way I want to live anymore. 

From now on, I will put myself out there enough to be rejected. I am okay with losing a couple of friends if it means finding the ones who will stick with me for a life time. I am content with expressing feelings for my crushes (even if I embarrass myself) because only then will I ultimately attract "the one".

There's nothing wrong with being rejected. It just means you're brave enough to jump, all the while knowing the risks and danger lurking if you fall. We should not be suffocated by our fears but rather invigorated by them. So don't fear rejection like I did and instead embrace it with arms wide open, saying "Come at me with all you got. I don't let my fears control me". 

Is Prom Overrated?

It's the morning after prom. I went to sleep at around 4 am but due to some internal clock in my body that I can't turn off, woke up at 8 am. I feel awake and alert...as of right now, and in the mood for a casual blog write up. So here it goes. If my sentences become incoherent, let's blame it on the 4 hrs of sleep ;)

In honor of my "after-prom" morning, I will dedicate this blog post to...dun dun dun...drum roll...PROM (what a surprise). To many people, prom is like a right of passage for high school students and thanks to lovely, very accurate movies it is depicted as a perfect night to remember. Girls (maybe guys too but I can't speak for the opposite gender) conjure up various romantic fantasies: walking under moonlit arches decorated by green vines, slow dancing with that special someone, and then kissing him under the stars. Are such imaginations reality? From my experience, no. As a declaimer though, I should note that I have always been an anti-prom gal. Since junior year, I have been cynical about the whole event, believing it to be too much hassle and money for just one stinking dance at night. I would rather have a guy that I liked ask me out to the movies. The notion and setting is simple, yet it is easy to build into the atmosphere more romance if you're with someone you have feelings for.

My past negative feelings for prom still linger, and I am still waiting for that movie date (^.^). However, after actually experiencing this ultimate high school dance, I believe it is possible to enjoy prom. Here are a couple of tips for you guys on making the most out of it.

1) First, do not expect it to be a magical night. Erase those unrealistic fantasies from your daydreams sweetie, because chances are you will be disappointed. I went to prom with a friend who I had no romantic feelings for whatsover, so my perspective is not from that of an existing couple or "guy-girl best friends" turn lovers. If you are, maybe your experience will feel more magical simply due to those butterflies in your stomach. But even then, do not expect to much out of that one night. The structure of prom is just too rigid and entirely unromantic. See, a typical prom schedule is dinner, prom, after party. If you're having dinner at a fancy place, which most people do, then you'll be waiting for that food for what feels like hours. During that time span, it's usually small talk with friends and friends-of-friends. Then, prom itself will have food and you'll regret not eating less, and there will be random music booming in an unlit room filled with round tables. And though I can't speak for after parties because my group went to a get pancakes instead, it usually consists of alcohol and crazy partying until the sunrises.
So just remember: prom is a social event, not a sweet romantic date.

2) I also recommend keeping dinner casual and light. Like I mentioned previously, fancy dinner reservations take too long and prom will usually have food as well. The more casual atmosphere gives you freedom to socialize and talk to everyone in the group and loosen up before the dance itself.

3) Actually dance at prom. If you're not a regular to dances, you may initially feel awkward and stiff. Regardless, step outside of your comfort zone, sway to the beat, and just let loose.


So there's my little rant about my prom experience. If you have any stories or thoughts you have regarding prom, leave them in the comments!

Dream on. It's worth it.

We've all heard the saying, "Good things will come in due course". Though we keep those words tucked in our hopeful hearts, in the back of our minds, we can't help but remain skeptical. In due course...when will that be, ten years from now? Time is a limited resource, everyone else is enjoying life, so maybe we're just darn unlucky and nothing's coming in "due course".

Well, for those of you still skeptical, I'm living proof that amazing, splendid surprises do happen to those who wait.

These past few months were emotional turmoils for me. I was stripped of something that came to define me, deferred from both my early decision/action colleges, and suffering from a "heart-break" per say. My best friend was off making out with her boyfriend, so I not only felt like a failure, but also damn alone. I was constantly on the brink of crying, but hid it under a positive, happy persona. And of course I tried to actually feel optimistic, reminding myself that so many people have it worse and that the disappointments will toughen me. I work hard on my regular decision essays and send them off, satisfied with the final works. Then a couple of decisions twinkle in, and my friends get likely letters (which essentially inform you that you are accepted to the college before the official decision date), acceptances, etc. I am accepted to my safety school, but also disappointed with a waitlist and rejection. The final decisions to most of my schools have yet to come, and so I wait, no longer hopeful...simply impatient to be done with the whole process.

And the unexpected happens. Great news seriously comes when you least expect it. -.- I am accepted into a complete reach school, one that is more "prestigious"/competitive than both my early schools. Though I have acceptable credentials for the school, no way did I think I would get in. No way. I wasn't special, no huge national awards, wasn't ranked #1 in my class, not even valedictorian like 20 other people in my school. 

The point of my anecdote: nothing is impossible. Nothing. Erase impossible from your vocab. No matter how low you are in life right now, believe me, it will get better. You have so much potential, and only you can unleash it. Do not ever let anyone tell you what you can and cannot accomplish. Do not ever give up on yourself. You can achieve anything if you put your heart and soul into it. Let your crazy dreams be fire that fuel your ambition. 

Dream on, because you are strong, capable, and worth it.

The regrets of spontaneity

One reckless decision can cause a chain of unwanted events and emotions. Never have I felt the truth of that statement until now. Due to a spur of the moment decision intended to liberate me, I am currently stuck in a mud of regret, entrapped by that spontaneous act of stupidity. See, I thought "taking charge" would make me feel in control of my future and stop the knots in my stomach from growing every time I talked to him. Boy was I wrong.

Instead of solving anything, I have officially created a new problem for myself. Granted, my best friend and I have agreed that in a year or two, we'll look back at "my situation" and laugh. But right now, living in this moment, I feel torn between what I have created for myself and what I actually want.  The song Clementine by Sarah Jaffe reflects my sentiments perfectly.
 "50 states, 50 lines, 50 cryings all the time, 50 boys, 50 lies, 50 I'm gonna change my mind, I changed my mind, I changed my mind, and now I feel undefined".

My realization? Being spontaneous is incredibly dangerous. As teenagers, young adults, whatever people call us nowadays, we are known to be reckless and spontaneous. We don't tend to plan ahead or assess every dimension of a situation, and instead go with where our hormones take us. It's the beauty of being young and carefree. But the beauty can come with a price. We make mistakes, suffer from the regret, and struggle to find the unbroken pieces. On the upside, we learn to never make the same mistakes and experience self-growth. Today, I am sharing what I have learned.

I have learned to never deny myself what I really want. To never believe in the "impossible". I have learned that relationships are a give and take, and sometimes you need to give a little more instead of always taking. I have learned that stoic expressions and pretending not to care never work. That to grant myself happiness means expressing my feelings in a way he'll understand. I have learned that weak does not mean being a victim of unreciprocated love. Weak is the fear of showing your love in the first place. And lastly, I've learned that no matter how insignificant the "fling", "talking stage", or "lack thereof" seems to others, it was significant to you. You might not have been exclusive or even dated, but the raw feelings are still there. And it's okay to not feel okay. Let yourself mourn over it. Cry, eat some chocolate, binge watch netflix. Having strong feelings is normal, and shows that you're human and capable of loving.

Final word of advice: don't drown yourself in the regret. We all do it, but it's not healthy or productive. Sometimes, we just have to let go and let time work its magic. Our stories are not fairytales or hollywood chick fliques. We will fall down and down again, get bruised up inside and out.
Through it all, remember that you are strong and capable, whether or not anyone else notices. Remember to stand back up, fight for your place, and declare, "You will never break me".

A letter

Dear You,

I admit it. I was never good at this love thing. The vulnerability.
And I'm sorry if I messed with your emotions, if I went hot then cold, and never seemed to be fully interested. I never thought of it as a game, I was never playing. I was simply a naive girl whose heart raced when you came around, who thought you'd understand my smile. I thought it would all eventually happen, fall into place without me having to work for it... because you would. I'm sorry for being a coward, for doubting every kind intention and envying everyone else you talked to. I'm sorry I couldn't be the bold girl who'd rock your world and make life easy.
I just barely believed it true, me and you, because who am I anyway. Who am I to catch your attention? I'm nothing special, just a goofy gal with crazy dreams. I don't have a fun life, no extensive knowledge of movies or tv shows, nothing. But you, you're all of that and you've snatched your dream, so why me. Now? What's the point. I'm sorry for barely believing in any of this. I'm sorry we'll never enjoy what could have happened, left to forever wonder what if.
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry for confusing you, ignoring you, hurting you. A million excuses cannot deny the truth. I was too passive. I didn't try enough. I messed up. And now, that initial spark is gone.

So let's stop ruining each others day. Agreed?
Cheers to the end of a non-existent, barely formed relationship.
Amidst all of the emotions, there must be some damn lesson to be learned. For now, I can't stop thinking I wish I knew you better. I wish I could have held you, with the reassurance of some mutual understanding. I wish I could have called you mine.

So long to those fantasies, it's time to face reality. You're not and will never be mine.
Just promise me one thing. When you're out there making history, falling in love, and being an overall amazing person, remember us and laugh. Two silly teenagers unable to figure this love thing out. It's rather humorous, in some bittersweet way.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Just me.

I don't know how to start this blog post, and honestly I shouldn't even be writing anything because it's 8:30 and there's a pile of untouched work to be done. But as usual, I defy my priorities and instead feel a great need to write something from the heart per say.
I could easily write in my diary instead of typing a personal essay and posting it online, but for some reason I'm digging this method more. Maybe it's because the idea of an international network of thoughts and words is thrilling and I want to contribute. Or perhaps I simply feel like I'm using my time for "a greater cause" when I click publish. Either way, writing is cathartic and I could use all the mood boosters out there. So here it goes.

People say I am lucky to live in an idealic neighborhood, a house. To have parents still married. They say I am happy all the time, that I am smart, talented, pretty, perfect. But no one sees the girl that is awake in her bed worrying about everything that has or will go wrong. The girl who stares at her reflection, unable to see beauty, and everyday lines, shades, and buffs her face into one that she is satisfied with. The one who doesn't remember how to relax.
They don't see the anguish of having parents who have given up on each other. Or the way she never fights for the love she wants. How scared she is of losing someone.

People see the image that we portray. The one that we build like a wall to hide our insecurities and fears. I am exhausted trying to mask my imperfections and hide my unhappiness.
So tonight, I am keeping it all raw. Real.
Recently, I have been terrified of crushed dreams. Of disappointing others. I am terrified that my workaholic state will prevent me from enjoying the little things and that my life will be full of never ending disappointments. Simply put, today has not been a good day and everything seems to be crumbling.

But I like to end blogs on a positive note. Though crying is a great way to let emotions out, soaking in the misery is a waste of time and plain unhelpful. I have no idea what my intent for this blog was, but hey, not everything has to have a purpose. Sometimes, we just go with it, and see where we end up. Hopefully, it's a somewhere wonderful.

Shadowed Thoughts

Shadows loom in every corner of this house,
remnants of the unforgotten past.
They haunt the inhabitants, suffocating
break the fragile carefully built triangle,
until all that's left are fragments too shattered to be mended.
And they won't leave, these shadows never leave
They exist in the broken insults spit with venom
The lingering, hateful silence.
They torment us until all good pure memories
are gone forever.
Only silence now. As if this house is some divided country.
No more screams, arguments, soar throats-- no more fight
because they gave up. She on him. He on her.
Shattered glass sprawled on the floor they once danced on,
Dreams of everlasting joy rot in untouched corners,
Soft tears dry into numb acceptance.
Nothing to do now but soak in the eternity of a failed marriage.

So this is what broken love feels like.

Hello 2015, bye to rotting resolutions

A new year is always bittersweet. Bitter because 2014 is officially over, showing just how time sweeps us further and further into the future. Sweet because it feels new, exciting, fresh.

I am not making new years resolutions because they never carry out. Instead, I am a strong advocate of consistently making goals throughout the year, whether it's January, March, October, etc. With that said though, I have started a little project for this year: a jar of happiness, aka "goodie jar". It's going to be filled with memories of a random happy day, a special event, goals accomplished, and all that. A happy jar. Very excited to begin this documentation of everything great that happens this year. It's a way to not only look back and remember great memories, but also something that will motivate me to experience new activities and create happiness in my life. Finding every bit of joy in a normal day will be uplifting, and a damn great way to live.

Though new years are often overrated, full of spur of the moment resolutions, they are also reminders of improvements that can be made. Like a cold splash of water that awakes you from a zombie state of being. They scream at us to take charge of our lives or else another uneventful, dry year will pass before we can say "stop".

So before another year slips away, let's make opportunities, soak in all that this place has to offer, and enrich the world with our personalities, thoughts, and dreams. 

It's a new year. How will yours turn out?

Power of hope

Hope is a powerful thing. It amazes me how we cling on to the seemingly "impossible", the 1% chance, that one in a million. No matter how bleak anything seems, we continue to hope, to fight for it. In Grendel, the protagonist Grendel is angered by how humans sung songs of hope and preserverance despite having their village destroyed by him. There's something beautiful and unique about our ability to hope. It gives us life, a sense of purpose in spite of every obstacle that is in our way.
Life is not one bit easy. We'll crash and burn, fall flat on our face. Failing is a horrible feeling, and sometimes things work out eventually, sometimes they don't. Right now, as I am writing a gazillion more essays for regular decision colleges, I am terrified of failing again. And again. At the same time though, my past disappointment is driving me to improve. To write some damn beautiful essays. Besides, I should be grateful for the opportunity to attend college, the many options that I have at my feet.
This post has become a complete ramble because I'm thinking about a lot of things. There's a whirl of doubt, mixed with desire, hope, dreams, and annoyance that I have slacked on other activities that make me happy, such as music and running.
I want this college thing to work out so badly, and at this point, no I am not content with how it's playing out. And I want this love thing to work out, but who knows how this whole hot and cold mess will end. Most likely bittersweet. But then again, having desires is not bad because it just means we care. I care about my future, about all of my hard work paying off, and I care about this person, perhaps too much,  though I try not to admit it even to myself. Sometimes caring means we'll get hurt. But caring is the only way we'll achieve something greater in life. Don't be afraid to care, I've been there and it's suffocating. Instead remember that disappointments, heartbreak, whatever else you call it, will be a test of your strength and determination.
So defy those odds, go reach your dreams, and be that one in a million.

The agony of waiting

We have all had to test our patience at one point or another. And it sucks, doing nothing and feeling time ooze away second by second. The more important the thing you wait for is to you, the worst waiting will be because in this period of nothingness you can't help but go crazy.

Like most of my fellow high school seniors out there, I am currently waiting for a college decision for a school that I applied early to. Getting in would be a dream come true and I am positive that for at least a week after the acceptance, I will feel like the luckiest gal in the world. I have my post-acceptance plan all thought out out in my never-ending stream of fantasies and imagination: dance like a goof with my mother to "I'm sexy and I know it", go out to eat at one of those outdoor patio tables with my parents, and lounge around the house in my newly bought cozy onesie just to indulge in the euphoria.

 But as of right now, we shall wait, counting the days and hours (apparently it's less than 100 hrs) until decision day and agonizing over every weakness in our application. It's funny how while still in the process of the whole application ordeal, I looked forward to the waiting process because at least now, there's absolutely no more work. Boy was I wrong. Releasing all control to the almighty admission officers simply makes you feel powerless. Anxious. Insecure.  Now here I am, checking my application portal everyday fruitlessly for it remains stagnant, and taking part in the abundance of new posts on the college confidential forum filled with other anxious applicants. 

I don't believe everything happens for a reason because sometimes events simply happen out of mere chance, and there's nothing we could have done about it. However, I am a fervent believer that anything that happens to you will mold you and the way in which it does so depends on how you utilize the change. Instead of feeling nervous, we should feel excited. This, right now, is a turning point-- a pitch fork in the road that marks the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

Waiting sucks but changing your mindset can do wonders for those damn butterflies and doubt. There's so much of life to enjoy if we can walk this earth with a passion for reaching our dreams and a love for the journey that get's us there.

Feeling alone

The weight of her book bag pulls on her shoulders as she hugs her textbook, smiles politely at familiar faces, and sits in a vacant desk. Conversations, laughter, and pauses meld into a cacophony of noise that floats, gravitates away into a phantom of what it used to be. The headphones only partially block the noise, and for those few moments, she is the quiet observer- disconnected from all that is around her with soulful music as her comforting blanket. Something gnaws inside her, a vacant pit full of unwanted thoughts that imprison her whole being. She feels alone in this room full of people, this world full of everything, this universe of  empty spaces and entities billion times her size.

It's funny how with all this social media that makes communication easier, we still manage to feel so damn lonely. Maybe in a twisted way, social media causes us to be even lonelier than ever because we don't attempt to have face to face interaction as much, thinking that a facebook chat or text or skype is enough. But they're not. Deep down, we're still humans who desire that intimate connection only obtained from touching, looking into their eyes, and hearing their voice vibrate from their vocal cords. We still need to dispel our energy and soak in someone else's.

I've recently been really disappointed in two of those closest to me and that has resulted in me feeling incredibly lonely. I thirst for an intimate, heart to heart conversation where I can just spill everything that has been gnawing at my soul before it all explodes and gain some kind of closure in the process, but it has not happened. For a couple of reasons (some entirely my fault), this has been the worst Thanksgiving break for me to date and I've learned a couple of things in the process.

You have to first know what or who you want, and then do all that you can to obtain it. Rejection is a horrible feeling but regret is an even worse one. Knowing that there were so many things you could have done, and now not knowing if there even was anything in the first place will eat at you like no other.
You are responsible for your happiness. Yes there will always be toxic people but you can't let them control your perspective on life. If you want more friends, more interactions, then set up a study date or shopping trip. Trust me it's not a waste of time because the annoyed, depressed version of you will be far from productive.
And lastly, bad times will pass. They always do. I'm a firm believer that the things that hurt us will benefit us in the long run through the lessons learned. They make us tougher, emotionally matured, and we'll learn to appreciate the positive people, feelings, and experiences that much more.
It's Thanksgiving, a reminder to be grateful for what we do have. So let's all be grateful that we have family, a roof over our heads, ample food everyday, and a life we can say is ours for the making.

A Messy Concoction of Doom

Socks sprawled on the floor. Concealer marks on the dresser. Sweaters and tights from the past school week cling weakly to the chair like an unfinished paper mache....My bedroom has once again turned into a mess, and I, feeling proactive this morning, once again rearrange the misplaced pieces and scrub away the leftover stains.

I have come to the realization that I live my life much like the way I keep my bedroom, lazily allowing messes to be made and then cleaning them up weeks later. Carelessness and nonchalance are a dangerous combination. Sometimes, just as the stains cannot rub off completely, we cannot wholly correct our mistakes. The damage has been made and all we can do is watch it plague our lives.
Prevention is the best remedy that we have at our finger tips. Instead of letting the mess of our past dictate our future, we need to prevent a mess from occurring in the first place.

Doing nothing is really more detrimental than doing something wrong because in the latter, you at least did something. There are risks we need to take in order to gain something more from the world. Don't let the lazy beast inside you dictate your life until you suddenly reawaken from the daze and notice the crumbling ruins. Don't be the one who looks back on the past few years and realize that you let opportunities, experiences, and people slip through your fingers all too easily.

Though there are actions we can take to alleviate certain problems, many things in this world are out of our power to control, We cannot completely stop the daily bloodshed from destroying innocent lives or the pollutants from choking our planet. You cannot read his mind, or make that never-to-be guy love you. YOU are the only thing that you have complete control over. Everything else, everyone else, is a give or take battle.
It's time we take charge of our life instead of allowing it to trample over our cowering heads. These changes don't occur overnight, and granted my room has become more cluttered already, but at least there's brownie points for trying.

Loosened grips.

We would rather love than to not have loved at all, to try and fail than to do nothing. Why? Because regret sucks. It eats us alive as we replay the memories and wonder what could have been if only we had actually done something. If we had fought for it.

I like to consider myself a fighter, someone who is willing to work for what she wants, but recently, I have been anything but that. Instead, I'm in a turmoil of unspoken words, rigidly composed faces, sappy music binges, and fantasies that just never quite play out. Throughout this, there's a voice in my head reminding myself that guys are idiots, that he's an idiot, and that I should focus on what's important, which is focusing on my goals, getting into a college far away, and leaving the fermenting remains of my past behind.

But I am tired of running away from my failures instead of confronting them. I am tired of hiding behind these books, this forced smile, this persona of a perfectly content, strong girl, while feeling anything but okay inside.
I cringe to admit this because for some reason it makes me feel weak, less independent and plain immature, but going on a date and given flowers sounds amazing at the moment. Instead, I am at home in a gray hoodie with my hair in a sloppy bun, scouring youtube, writing this blog, and doing anything but what I desire (a movie date) or should do (homework...).

To feel love, we need to learn to love. Romance novels and chick flicks lead us to believe that one day, we'll be wooed by "the one" who is head over heals for us since day one, and fail to reflect the multidimensional aspects of romance. Love, just like everything else in the world, is not handed to us in a neat little package-- it's something we earn. Love is a connection between two people, who both contribute to arranging the pieces and creating a beautiful masterpiece.
If we want them to fight for us, we need to be willing to fight for them.

Change can be good.

After reading my past posts, I've realized 1) though this whole endeavor started as a beauty blog, I have not written a stitch of makeup/skincare related post in months, and 2) most of my other posts are me giving advice about one specific topic. There's no "me" in any of the posts, and that bothers me. I didn't intend for this blog to be simply full of advice on topics that I have not experienced or reviews on makeup that I lack the skill to use well. Truthfully, I did not know what exactly I intended to write on this blog because there were too many ideas running in my crazy, outlandish mind: makeup for fellow monolids, fitness sharing, health, skin, love, and the list goes on. There were even times I considered posting some of my never-before-shared poems. The end result of my desire to share everything resulted in me sharing nothing. 

I think it's partly because I'm not used to sharing my life on any kind of social media. I barely post on facebook and instagram, and have not checked my snapchat in months. It felt uncomfortable adding even a tid-bit of myself in my posts because I felt self-centered by doing so. Who am I, talking about my troubles and confusion? Who would even care? Besides, my own personal problems were personal, why share them to the world? I've been so used to having a safe, private bubble that opening up on this blog was hard. So I steered away from it.

With that being said, I'm all for stepping out of my comfort zone. Therefore, right now, this moment, I will step out of my shielded bubble of personal thoughts and feelings, and share a part of myself to the people of the internet...strangers. I'm seventeen, a senior in high school, so my experiences are limited, most from observations, and I've only had a taste of this world. But I have always believed that the journey is more important than the end result because there is so much to gain on a personal and social level from the ups, downs, and plateaus. So as my journey begins, I will share bits of it in carefully molded words and phrases.
It is time for a change, a good kind of change.

Embrace the Awkward Silence

Crushes can turn the best of us into little furballs that cannot enunciate words, crash into poles, trip on calm air, and utter complete nonsense. With that crush, our heartbeat quickens and we feel judged by everything we do and say, so tense silences and embarrassing mishaps are bound to happen. During a recent conversation with a guy that I'm starting to really like, there was an abundance of teeth-wrenching silence and feeble attempts to say something- it made me wonder whether we were just incompatible or simply unable to break that tension. Although such a decision of incompatibility or mere tension depends on the relationship, I've noticed that most awkward silences are due to the accumulation of feelings that two people are too scared to acknowledge openly. Amongst the thick air, unspoken words linger, and without the small talk and laughter to hide in, we feel exposed. Vulnerable.  As if everything that we were feeling or wishing for is being tested. It's hard to show off that banging personality when there's a ruckus of confusion going on inside you.

Awkward silences are bound to happen between two people who have feelings for each other, and the more you feel, the more awkward it can get. Embrace that lovely thick air of crickets chirping because the silence is caused by two people, so he's probably feeling the same. Of course to move the relationship into something more, one of you needs to find some guts and break the ice, but that will get easier once you're more comfortable around each other.

It's all right to feel awkward, fidgety and plain foolish with that special someone.  Don't run away from the tension and instead embrace it. That's romance and love for ya.